FUNERALS

    Unless we have talked about funerals in advance, those who are left behind will inevitably be forced to make decisions when they are at their most vulnerable.  Having just lost someone we love we are likely to be in a state of great shock and experiencing a range of emotions.  


    It is especially important, therefore, that interchurch couples should, if possible, discuss their personal wishes and feelings about bereavement and funerals, talking through questions such as what sort of service you want and how best to involve both your traditions – if, indeed, that is what you want.  


    When the day comes for arrangements to be made for the first funeral the surviving partner will then be much better placed if both of you have already agreed a plan. 


    The focus of a funeral


    Amidst all the emotion surrounding a funeral it is often helpful to keep in mind who and what the service is for.  Put simply, funerals have a double focus:


    For the person who has died, a funeral is both an appropriate memorial and thanksgiving. But above all it is a way of commending the soul of the deceased to the peace of God, and a recognition of our own hopes and longings for eternal life in Christ.


    For the bereaved, a funeral is equally important as a way of addressing our profound sense of grief and loss, and of saying farewell to someone we have loved and with whom we have shared much. This is as true for children as for adults; being open and honest with children and allowing them to attend a funeral if they wish is a means of supporting them to negotiate their way through the process of grieving.



    Interchurch Funerals 


    All the principal Christian denominations in Great Britain have funeral services with elements in common, and it should be possible to draw on more than one tradition in compiling a service. An early discussion with your priest or minister will help you determine what is possible. 


    One thought worth considering is to have the coffin taken to the church the night before the funeral, with a service there to receive it. Some interchurch couples have had the coffin taken to their spouse’s church to rest overnight before being taken to “their” church for the funeral service. 


    The experiences of interchurch couples who have already had to arrange a funeral might be helpful. You can read their stories below (they are all true, but names have been changed to protect identities):


    Felicity and Fran


    Felicity and Frank had been married for many years when Frank died.  In the past there had not been a great deal of co-operation between their local churches, and they often felt frustrated.  Yet Frank’s funeral was an occasion of hope for Felicity.  Her Methodist minister took the service, their son read the lesson, and Frank’s Roman Catholic priest took the committal at the graveside in the local cemetery.  Because Felicity had had to be married in Frank’s church, it was his wish that he should be buried from Felicity’s chapel and that their graves should eventually be side by side.  It was his way of redressing the balance, and Felicity found this arrangement, which they had agreed together, very comforting.  She felt that at long last they had together achieved something.


    Andrea and Adam


    When a diagnosis showed that Andrea’s husband Adam had a very serious illness, the news came at a time when his own United Reformed church was in process of calling a new minister.  Andrea told her Roman Catholic priest about Adam’s illness and he at once responded by offering himself as Adam’s minister during this period.  Two or three times a week he visited Adam and Andrea and held a simple and beautiful service with them in their home, giving them communion together, and he was with Adam the day he died.  It followed naturally that Adam’s funeral should be conducted in the United Reformed church with both a United Reformed minister and Andrea’s priest taking part.


    Monica and Michael


    Monica has had experience of several funerals among interchurch families.  She believes that as it is the living who are taking part in the funeral, they deserve a say in what happens, so we should beware of hedging the arrangements about with conditions.  She recommends at least one good cheerful hymn and sees hymns as “a great bond in common” between the various traditions.  She says, “My husband hated funerals, so we never discussed them.”  For Michael’s funeral she chose “Praise, my soul, the King of Heaven”, to which she had walked up the aisle at their wedding, and “The Lord’s my shepherd”, which pleased everyone.  He is buried in the local cemetery; in November, when there is a Catholic procession to the cemetery, her husband’s grave is also blessed.


    Paul and Petra


    Paul and Petra were eagerly looking forward to the birth of their first child when Petra learned that there was no trace of the baby’s heartbeat.  Shortly afterwards she had a miscarriage.  At this sad and difficult time they were fortunate in receiving tremendous support from those around them, especially from a Roman Catholic university chaplain who was already a friend.  He came to their home and combined the Catholic rite of blessing of parents after a miscarriage with a celebration of the Eucharist for them both – “a beautiful way of acknowledging that our child was now with God”.


    More Questions

    Further information ...

    We have several articles about two-church marriages and weddings in our Library. Some may seem a bit dated, but the information remains relevant today. [Link to library – marriage section]


    Find out more -  We’re here to help!

    “We would like to help you as you decide how best to live out your commitment to each other as an interchurch couple”

    Connect with Us
    Share by: